Speak of The Truth

BEWARE: NOT FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED AND DO NOT WANT TO BE IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS.

“Life is built from pieces of memories combined into a whole that tells you of who you are in the past and present and what you will be in the future”

There’s always a storybook which ends with ‘happily ever after’ and yet I’ve never find such ending.

Well, this is not a story, neither it’s a speak of desperation. It is what comes through my mind right about now and few weeks before this and I think I need to speak up since it really gives me a heavy burden.

I don’t expect you to agree, neither expect you to tell the same story to others. I just want you to understand. It’s just my opinion, you might have different perspective but to each their own.

I wanted and tried to talk to you about this in person but you’ve mentioned that you don’t like to talk about any of this face to face since it will make you feel really uncomfortable. I understand that completely. It may turn things for the worse and I really don’t want that. So, if I talk to yu, I will say exactly the same thing here.

In case you hadn’t notice which I think you are, I still adore you. I still like you like I did when we really close together before. And I don’t think I’ll ever stop liking you.

I can’t seem quite to get you out of my head everyday. I don’t know why. Every time I feel like you did something not nice to me, I really want to put angry words and say bad things about you in my heart but I just unable to do that. Someone told me “I loved too much” but heck no. I don’t think I ever encounter love before. Bryan Adams once said (not really say coz it’s more in his lyrics); you will know that you really love a woman

“When you find yourself lying helpless in her arms”

“When you can see your unborn children in her eyes”

I know that it’s only a metaphor but I never ever feel like that or even close to that metaphor.

You bring out the best in me. I’m such a dull and boring person before and I’m not friendly with people, even our batch-mate and I don’t think I’ll ever be close to them if not because of you. I learnt how to socialize because I envy you. You have such good friends by your side and I also wanted to feel the same way you do, being loved not just from your family but also your friends.

Sometimes just being with you really made my day. Your smile, your childish act, your cute gesture and jumping like a hyper-active kid with endless supply of sugar, your chuckles when I made a fool out of myself. Your story also made me wanted to know more about you, like I want to know the whole of you, coz I know that someday things will change and I won’t get chance like this anymore, although I hope it didn’t change at all.

It’s funny how our relationship grew based predominately on making jokes and laughed about other peoples’ misery and annoyances. Gosh.. I really missed those times. We sometime talked about ourselves, our interests but mostly we talked about other people.

Our relationship really blossomed when we didn’t sleep for the whole night talking about random stuff, about yu, about me, about everything. That time, I felt like we were meant to be, although I know that’s sound so corny. With the paparazzi lagi.. Haha macam famous celebs la pulak rasanya.. :P

I know you are not really can remember everything that we did, and that’s where I came in, to fill your so-called flaw. :) although sometimes it’s just a little thing and I recalled the memory to you, and you don’t remember, it’s kinda make me want to strangle you (in a good way). But I cherished every moment because, I don’t know, it’s my curse really, to be able to remember all those things.. >_<

We really pissed people off especially Shannon, Abby, Mea and Putri for the stupid things we did around 10 months ago (approximately). We are labeled as people who didn’t appreciate relationships. Haha!

Yes, sometimes I can be such an annoying person to you, but it’s just who I am. I annoyed you before and still annoy you now. Only the difference is because you don’t know me well before and now you seem to know me well enough.

And then came two incidents that I think change the course of our relationship. The “thank you for everything” and “where’s my handout, I want to staple it all together” incidents. You really scared the shit out of me. Fuhh.. I don’t want to elaborate on that, I still keep what we chatted though. It really was the first time I was really scared that our friendship will end just like that.

Heh.. Yeah, I regretted that I always took things too far and made you mad at me over little things and you know I don’t really mean that. Comparing me with your shitty ex-bf really made me sad. Coz I don’t want to be label as that in your life at all but I didn’t realize that it turned out that way. I wanted to be at least the better thing that ever happened in your life, if not the best. Am I one of them? Only you can decide.

When we were just getting to know each other, I made three promises to myself when I share any moments with you, difficult times or the fun ones.

1. That I will always make your day, try to lift your spirits up and always support you even when you are feeling down.
2. I will help you in any way I can, and even for the littlest things.
3. I will never make you cry.

I am really happy about the birthday surprise to you coz I think that’s the only plan that was really a successful one. And you even not expecting it. It really made both of our day.

I know that you are not a child anymore, and don’t want help all the time. You want to live independently. I agreed and happy to be next to a girl and that don’t need support and helpless all the time. But sometimes macam kesian la pulak tgk yu like struggling eventho you mentioned you don’t want my help.

When you cried in front of me, I know that I took things too far. I’ve made a terrible mistake to you and also broke my own promises to myself. I really feel like an idiot at that time. I know that you just had a tough time arguing with someone and then I acted like a moron after that. When you suddenly said, “Aku balik la kalau camni” and then you started to sob, it’s like a stab to my heart. I hate woman’s crying in front of me and lagi-lagi because of me.

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Although I know that I really am not good with words, I just want to apologize, from the bottom or my heart, not only for this incident but for all the wrong doings that I did to hurt you and yes, sometime I meant what I did but I did all of these because I wanted to keep our relationship strong in my sense.

I admit that sometimes I can be really selfish, ignorant, arrogant and etc. but I still improving myself in becoming a better human being, a real man not just to you, but to everyone.

I really don’t expect you to change, let alone for me coz that will be an idiot thing to do. Yes, people change everyday, for better or for worse.

And I admit, it’s a real pain to let you go, but I have coz I don’t want to carry the burden of pain, anger to myself and despair all the way until the end of my university life.

I know that you have changed. It is obvious and I saw the change when we were really close. You are not who you was before and really, it is fine by me.

What I want is just a second valuable chance for me to prove that I am worth to have a close friend like you. And I know that this is too much to ask.

A friend once said to me,

“No bf/gf like their gf/bf close to another person of the opposite sex”

Come to think of it, it is partly true in, some sort of understanding. If you really delve into your personal love life, I think you can find this statement is true, in the short-term or long-term run of the relationship. I’ve experienced it before and yeah, who says I won’t experience it again.. Heh..

Although this post will again, may cause another major change in my life and our relationship as friend, I am willing to take that chance coz sooner or later, I am just gonna let this thing out..

“Anyhow, we surely had fun while it lasts…. =)”